02 December 2008

battling the black bat

Today's probably not the right day to be making a return to the blog. I've been unconscious or embracing the toilet bowl for most of it... knocked over by a mysterious tummy bug... + now I'm feeling pretty darn sorry for meself, it must be said. But I kicked this exercise off, many moons ago, to help capture the smooth AND shave the edges off the rough. Now I need Atomica's help to get through a rough patch. It's not as if I haven't done it before.

I've spoken pretty openly in the past about my struggles with depression. It's a force that's been present since my childhood + will probably always be with me. Some of us have the force + some of us don't. The good news is that my confidence in managing it grows all the time.

Depression's more highly-strung sister is anxiety, + she's a whole other beast. If depression is a black dog then anxiety might be a black bat. She swoops down in the dead of night, cloaking my heart in something dark + heavy + making my nerves sing. I've been receiving her visits since I left WA + the results are many + varied. I've only had three or four solid nights' sleep; I wake most mornings with a sense of dread humming from my stomach; I'm on edge + prone to teariness; I'm questioning absolutely everything; + there's a big hole where my self-confidence used to be.

Last time I experienced this level of anxiety I was a lucky girl, surrounded by people I love. Right now I'm in an utterly new place with only a small handful of friends. There's no Carolyn + Jen, that's for sure! So it seems to be mostly me + my thoughts + my fears. And even though I know this isn't a permanent state, it is a scary one. I think it's probably time to fess up to that.

I don't know what comes next. Hopefully I move out of my current weepy phase, pick myself up + start focusing on the good again. I've got a GP appointment on Friday to discuss my treatment options + a return to the Gong planned for next weekend. It's a start.


Anonymous said...

Things will be OK. A very wise lady (you sweet-pea) once told me about baby steps. They are good until you can start dancing again.
I'm storing up a MASSIVE Steph hug for you. Can't wait to see you.
I will leave you with a Steph moment - I had been rushing around one Saturday morning cramming lots of jobs in and I thought I would take 5mins to have a quick look in a shop that has some really lovely things. I was looking at handbag and the lady was giving me a spiel about how good it was and I (thought) I said "It's really lovely but I will have to ask Santa for it". The lady gave me a slightly confused look and I left the shop and started walking home. At some point on the walk home my brain must have been thinking about the women's bemused look and I realised I had in fact said "It's really lovely but I will have to ask Satan for it". Poor slightly dyslexic brain.
So see what happens when you aren't around. I become a Satanist! Who would have thought it!

Kristy said...

and I'm on my way to see you in TWO DAYS!! and i'm bringing lots of Wollongong hugs and well wishes with me.... see you soon lovely xx

Anonymous said...

hey lady

i myself experience the black bat from time to time so I know how you feel... a book that I have that is really great is called "living with it" by a person called bev aisbett... I know its sounds all self help, but the book is actually like an illustrated comic book... its kinda fun really... and i found it really useful... see http://www.bevaisbett.com/books.htm

as you have apparently said yourself it is baby steps and each time the bat comes back you learn how to master the art of bat combat a little more...

pardon the pun but hang in there! thing is I find bats quite interesting creatures really... if you've ever sat and watched one there is such beauty in those narled skin wings

big love
bw xo

atomicblondie said...

Thanks so much gorgeous girls. I've had a fresh cry with every comment but lots of smiles too! It means so much to hear from you + feel supported by my lovely friends. Thank you xxx