03 June 2008

little miss basketcase

I’m having a basketcase day. Not in any overblown kinda way. The melodrama ratio is not as high as it could be. The histrionics quotient is under control. I’m not shouting or cursing or crying. But I do feel severely wobbly round the edges + like the drama could kick in if it wanted to.

There are so many emotions swirling round my little brain. I can’t keep track of which ones are important + which are merely distracting me with BS. I’m feeling left out… the Crafties are planning to craft without me (as I encouraged them to); Holl + Ethan are looking for a new flattie (as they need to);
Sarah didn’t send me an invitation to her movie night (because she knows I won’t be here). Then I’m craving solitude + some serious downtime. All of a sudden I’m lonely. Or I’m questioning my decisions. Or I’m feeling like throwing a tanty. Boo bloody hoo.

At the bottom of it all is fear, + fear comes with any major change. The desire for things to stay the same locking horns with the desire for new adventures. I want both but of course that’s not possible. A static state isn’t even possible. I could shut myself down in the same position forever + things would simply change around me. Sometimes I can accept that. Sometimes I’m shitscared by it. Fear is a natural by-product, as is excitement, + I have to roll with that. I’ve set the wheels in motion + now I have to let them roll me where they will.

Suddenly the wheels are in motion
And I, I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
Cos I I'm ready to take all my chances with you

Who? You? Yes, me. It’s sometimes scary to take my chances with me… but it’s exciting at the same time. And I’m all I’ve got.

[How bloody psychic is Smokey? She sent me the lovely lyrics featured above just as I was writing this. “Song in head today is 'Suddenly' from Xanadu. Apparently Olivia NJ sang this with Cliff Richard.” Thanks mate.]

I’m going to have my basketcase day. I may even go home, skip trivia, grouch around, cry over a hot bath + a glass of red. I may feel slightly shite all week. That’s okay. It happens + it will pass.

for weeze