06 December 2008

we all bellow hello

Sometimes it helps to shout out into the trouble + see what comes back. I've been feeling pretty isolated + messy. The messiness might kick around a little while longer, but my sense of acute isolation has lessened. Thank you so much to all my beautiful friends who've written or called. It makes a huge difference to know that you're there, even though I wish you were RIGHT HERE!

Last night I got to see Kristy for some real live cuddles + company. She's in town for a spunky new librarians' conference + we hung out after her cocktail soiree. Actually she snuck me into the tail-end of the cocktail soiree for a weird window into a world that could have been. Then we moved on to the Shanghai Dumpling Restaurant for feasting + talking. Six months to catch up on. So so good to see her.

02 December 2008

battling the black bat

Today's probably not the right day to be making a return to the blog. I've been unconscious or embracing the toilet bowl for most of it... knocked over by a mysterious tummy bug... + now I'm feeling pretty darn sorry for meself, it must be said. But I kicked this exercise off, many moons ago, to help capture the smooth AND shave the edges off the rough. Now I need Atomica's help to get through a rough patch. It's not as if I haven't done it before.

I've spoken pretty openly in the past about my struggles with depression. It's a force that's been present since my childhood + will probably always be with me. Some of us have the force + some of us don't. The good news is that my confidence in managing it grows all the time.

Depression's more highly-strung sister is anxiety, + she's a whole other beast. If depression is a black dog then anxiety might be a black bat. She swoops down in the dead of night, cloaking my heart in something dark + heavy + making my nerves sing. I've been receiving her visits since I left WA + the results are many + varied. I've only had three or four solid nights' sleep; I wake most mornings with a sense of dread humming from my stomach; I'm on edge + prone to teariness; I'm questioning absolutely everything; + there's a big hole where my self-confidence used to be.

Last time I experienced this level of anxiety I was a lucky girl, surrounded by people I love. Right now I'm in an utterly new place with only a small handful of friends. There's no Carolyn + Jen, that's for sure! So it seems to be mostly me + my thoughts + my fears. And even though I know this isn't a permanent state, it is a scary one. I think it's probably time to fess up to that.

I don't know what comes next. Hopefully I move out of my current weepy phase, pick myself up + start focusing on the good again. I've got a GP appointment on Friday to discuss my treatment options + a return to the Gong planned for next weekend. It's a start.