Forgive me for coming at this post with a little sadness of tone, yet another morsel of moroseness after such a long break. While I’m at it I should probably also apologise for this annoying alliteration habit of mine. Sorries on all fronts. You have once again been warned.
I’m sitting at my kitchen table, enjoying the green formica on the most perfect of Saturday evenings, the sun only just starting to sink on a cloudless sky. Doing my usual end-of-year thang… thinking bout the twelve months that have passed + what the next twelve might bring. Surveying the mountain of thoughts, feelings, symbols that spring up with this simple change from one day to another. I’m not attempting to explain the personal significance that the new year holds for me – I had a go at that last year – more just noting that it’s upon me again.
I’m not feeling the energy I’d hoped to at this point in my brief summer break. In truth, I was hoping for some big bright beam to shine down + make everything new again. The hand of the universe, the choir of angels, all laaaaaaaaa + light. Surprise surprise, it hasn’t happened. Instead I’m feeling mildly exhausted, as I suspect many do at this point in the so-called season of good cheer. And a little blue tonight, although I admit that three rotations of Radiohead’s newy, In Rainbows, isn’t helping. Hey I’m a true believer in the occasional wallow, + man this album is made for it… sublime + sexy + sad. Add a glass of wine + I’m away.
My chrimbo was a pretty good one + it feels wrong to complain. Home-life continued to shine, friends reached out with greetings + affection, material benefits were bestowed through some lovely thoughtful presents, family time was spent. But none of it has given me the lift I wanted. Probably because that lift can only come from inside. (Der Clairey, do you have to relearn this lesson every time?! Apparently so.) I’m low on self-love right now. That’s the crux of it + that’s what the lift is going to take. At this point I have no means of tapping into it but I’m still hopeful… not only of it arriving, all beam-like, but in fact of it already being there + simply being buried under some shitty 2007 debris.
Without descending into a self-help-esque diatribe, I do know what the lift needs to look like. It needs a kick-in-the-arse jumpstart which at this point will probably involve my…
--getting drunk
--getting more sunburnt than I already am
--watching a couple of trashy movies + crying, a lot, perhaps even stretching to sobbing + exhausting a large pile of tissues. I watched Sixteen Candles + The Notebook last night… seriously, that’s what it’s gonna take
--finding someone to give me a good hug
--getting drunk again
--dancing all night or at the very least until my feet hurt
--cutting myself some slack + not expecting perfection
--making a positive return to work in spite of hating the place right now
--faking a decent attitude until it builds its own momentum
--working my small piece of grit, aka The Plan (stay tuned), until it’s transformed into some kinda pearl
These are simple starting points + more will come. The main jist is a therapeutic wallow with a strict 24 hour expiry date, followed by the banishing of all negativity. 2008 is my frickin year. It’s the year of shovelling myself out of the shite + getting well + truly unstuck. It’s the year when I rediscover my guns + remind myself that they’re big + they’re fully loaded.
PS: No credit given to my limited creative prowess re: the title of this post please – love you M. Ward, you’re sheer genius.
PPS: This is my one-hundredth post... wowsers... fancy that!
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7 comments:
come and get drunk with me tonight at Murphy's then we can watch sudsie movies tomorrow.
desperately seeking susan anyone?
Awwwwww... so sweet to have a partner in drunkenness + suds. I'm gonna stick local + get my groove on to Ras Gong Guerillas. But ta for the offer mate. It means a lot to me.
Raincheck on 'Desperately Seeking Susan'. Is it just me, or is Aiden Quinn ridiculously hot in that film? Looking forward to it.
So good to see this post girl - well not the down bits but you getting your heart back on your sleeve is the way I like you - and I agree it IS all up to you for the good bits. I've just realised that after my crazily fabulous holiday although there were lots of other people involved (yes some yummy ones) but I made it all happen so I am feeling like the shoveling of the shite I have done for the last three months is paying off for me but you know what - my work involves a crazy little sausage not a fucking annual report - those words give me heart palpitations - argghhh I hate the real world and advise everyone especially you to flee it as soon as you can. Hey where's the art on your list - it better not be falling off the list girl - huh maybe your friends better cut you some slack too.
Hugs to you miss Claire.
I don't mean to focus too much on the past, but did you karaoke in 2007?
Wonderful to catch up with you the other night love.
Awwww... thanks for the support guys. Whenever I next find myself in that huffy no-one-bloody-cares-anyway zone I'm gonna march straight back to this page for a boost!
Miss Anonymous - Thanks for the encouragement AND the lecture. I need them both! Unfortunately I can see art falling off the list somewhat over the next couple of months. BUT never fear... she will return! And there will be bits and bobs in between. I have my bush camp residential (= creative soul food) in three weeks time + I still owe you a homemade postcard, so all is not lost!
Missy B - Loved seeing youse fellas too. It's always a treat when it happens! And no, I didn't get to karaoke. Sorely disappointed on that one. I have a sneaking suspicion we'll be holding my birthday celebrations at JuJu's this year. Watch out!
oingo boingo! did you say the three magic words?
karaoke? juju's? and birthday!!!!!
but remember, they only let you book a table of ten. this i know as i tried also to hold my birthday celebrations there in the year that has passed.
however, in the event that you pull off this marvelous coup, i feel compelled, nay, religiously beholden to attend and side swipe your birthday with my own musical stylings.
world beware, i am entering a remarkably confident phase in this my jesus year.
oh yes, and aiden quinn is exquisitely hot in dss.
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