light

the birds they sang at the break of day
start again I heard them say
don't dwell on what has passed away
or what is yet to be

ah the wars they will be fought again
the holy dove she will be caught again
bought + sold, + bought again
the dove is never free

ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in

we asked for signs, the signs were sent
the birth betrayed, the marriage spent
yeah the widowhood of every government
signs for all to see

i can't run no more with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places say their prayers out loud
but they've summoned, they've summoned up a thundercloud
+ they're going to hear from me

you can add up the parts but you won't have the sum
you can strike up the march, there is no drum
every heart, every heart to love will come
but like a refugee

ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in

that's how the light gets in

'Anthem'
Leonard Cohen

wild card inside

A new leaf, new life kinda day. I suppose the same could be said of every day. We move from one moment, to the next, to the next. There is utter newness in each instant as time moves steadily, undeniably on. Life will not be denied until it's knocked down dead.

A new job, a tentative return to the blog, one big sigh as I edge closer to optimism + regain a sense of intense gratitude for the life I lead.

This morning's songs were doing that prophetic thing, making me bounce down Johnston Street in spite of the heat. Past the random array of shops, galleries, bars, mysteries. Cats in shop windows + a turtle swimming slow circles in front of a velvet curtain. Propelled onwards + upwards. This new life can be good, WILL be good, if I let it.

I feel it all, I feel it all. The wings are wide. Wild card inside.

we all bellow hello

Sometimes it helps to shout out into the trouble + see what comes back. I've been feeling pretty isolated + messy. The messiness might kick around a little while longer, but my sense of acute isolation has lessened. Thank you so much to all my beautiful friends who've written or called. It makes a huge difference to know that you're there, even though I wish you were RIGHT HERE!

Last night I got to see Kristy for some real live cuddles + company. She's in town for a spunky new librarians' conference + we hung out after her cocktail soiree. Actually she snuck me into the tail-end of the cocktail soiree for a weird window into a world that could have been. Then we moved on to the Shanghai Dumpling Restaurant for feasting + talking. Six months to catch up on. So so good to see her.

battling the black bat

Today's probably not the right day to be making a return to the blog. I've been unconscious or embracing the toilet bowl for most of it... knocked over by a mysterious tummy bug... + now I'm feeling pretty darn sorry for meself, it must be said. But I kicked this exercise off, many moons ago, to help capture the smooth AND shave the edges off the rough. Now I need Atomica's help to get through a rough patch. It's not as if I haven't done it before.

I've spoken pretty openly in the past about my struggles with depression. It's a force that's been present since my childhood + will probably always be with me. Some of us have the force + some of us don't. The good news is that my confidence in managing it grows all the time.

Depression's more highly-strung sister is anxiety, + she's a whole other beast. If depression is a black dog then anxiety might be a black bat. She swoops down in the dead of night, cloaking my heart in something dark + heavy + making my nerves sing. I've been receiving her visits since I left WA + the results are many + varied. I've only had three or four solid nights' sleep; I wake most mornings with a sense of dread humming from my stomach; I'm on edge + prone to teariness; I'm questioning absolutely everything; + there's a big hole where my self-confidence used to be.

Last time I experienced this level of anxiety I was a lucky girl, surrounded by people I love. Right now I'm in an utterly new place with only a small handful of friends. There's no Carolyn + Jen, that's for sure! So it seems to be mostly me + my thoughts + my fears. And even though I know this isn't a permanent state, it is a scary one. I think it's probably time to fess up to that.

I don't know what comes next. Hopefully I move out of my current weepy phase, pick myself up + start focusing on the good again. I've got a GP appointment on Friday to discuss my treatment options + a return to the Gong planned for next weekend. It's a start.

feeling grateful

For a room of one's own.

a home for a while

Holy moly. Where to start? I moved into a new house yesterday + it felt like sanity increased by a degree. I'm only here until February but it's a gorgeous, warm starting point of a home, with the very lovely Gretta, Huni + Tom. (Oh, + let's not forget Leo the dog.) There's a vegie patch + a bounteous supply of tea. We've scraped together a thimble-full of furnishings, with a little bed to lay my head on + a light to write under. I've almost finished unpacking. I squealed with excitement when I got to hang my clothes up for the first time in six months.

I am bone, bone tired after a crazy couple of weeks + I'm starting a new (casual) job tomorrow. So this is a brief update only. Obviously there's a lot to be discussed. I will return. I will. I will.

torture

I'm stuck in front of the confuser on a Saturday night, writing another bloody job application. Meanwhile the fat horns, stomping percussion + ecstatic cheers of the Johnston Street Fiesta reverb off the walls from only a block away.

Please Universe, give me a job + bring back my dancin shoes.